Tanning, Cooking, and my Sore Ass

Hello! So I woke up this morning with sore asscheeks. I think I have been jogging to much and my ass is getting tighter, it does feel quite firm. Anyhow, it sucked because I was running late for work so my ass felt tired on the bus and once I got off I had to practically jog to work! Ugh, when will I learn? Too much time fixing my damn hair. White people are crazy...

So I was in the break room today just sipping on some cola when this random girl started talking to me. Asking me how long I had worked there, what I did for fun, she eventually said "So like, where do you go tanning?" I told her I normally go to Planet Beach but I havent been there for a few weeks. Then she goes "Well your skin looks good." Uh, what? First of all let me just say this was either a pity comment or a comment because she likes me. Yes, I retain the sun pretty good so I am in no way pale but I am NOT by any means 'tan' right now... least I dont think so. Second of all, she says this to the guy with ACNE. I'll be honest I know my face isnt turrible but I've had a shady facial complexion since I was a young lad so it is nothing new to me. Anyway, I said thankyou, got my things together and got the hell out of there.

I dont feel like cooking tonight. I wish that my roommates would cook more, however, as much as I complain about having to make dinner it is like built into my system to feed the family. I want Dustin to cook, but if he goes to I say 'no let me do it'... I'm very specific about how meals are prepared! I also use some of my mom's old tricks and I like that because it always keeps her memory alive.

I'm bored. I think I will attempt cleaning our room tonight. Perhaps I will end up watching Project Runway. "Andre, what happened to Andre?" Ugh, dont start with me...

Dr. Phil has a foreboding moustache

Today a bank was robbed in Michigan. Of course we had a million calls from people "The bank is closed, there are cops around it what happened?" But we aren't authorized to really say 'they were robbed' so we had to just say "Unfortunately we cannot disclose what may have happened at this time." It actually made work more enjoyable because I was getting into it with every customer who asked that question. They would say in a angry voice "Thats my money what the hell do you mean you can't tell me what happened?!" "I do apologize under our regulations unfortun---" "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR F*CKING REGULATIONS TELL ME WHAT---" "Thankyou for calling us and have a nice day." *click* (hangup)

I got an email at random from someone informing me the whole Pepsi thing is a scam. Whoever you are kind stranger, thankyou! :)

I was bored at work today, waiting for the phone to ring, reading a magazine... Just singing that song "What a Fool Believes" (it has been in my head for weeks now) And suddenly I realized I was rubbing my nipple! Through my shirt of course but what had actually happened was I was itching my chest and then got distracted and the itching turned into rubbing and then sort of a soft caressing... I realized I was doing it, and then I sat up and looked around to see if anyone noticed me performing an act of pleasure on my nipple. No one had. Thank God. I felt so weirded out by it I put my hands on the desk and just sat there another moment waiting for the phone to ring. I leaned over to my friend and coworker Adrian and said "Did you know just a moment ago I was rubbing my nipple at random?" She was laughing unbelievably hard and as my phone picked up she choked out, among laughter - "You were rubbing your nipple?!" The customer said "...what...?" And I ignored what they might have heard and proceeded with the call.

I bought a loofah. It might make me girly but it feels very nice on my skin. I would also like a genuine coral sponge, not a store bought but a genuine one from the oceans.

Jay will watch Grudge 2 with me tonight and I'm rather excited, I like it when he curls into me and is scared because it makes me happy to know I help him feel safe. I think that feeling of safety is important in a relationship. I'm gonna go now, just thought I would ramble. Dont forget to watch my videos below! They are hilarious to me, let me know what you think!

Funny Videos

"You come back." exclaimed the chinese waiter

Hello! Well I told you I wouldn't post daily, so here I am a few days in and we have so much to cover.

First of all, I received an email which reads "Don't drink from the new Pepsi can." The reason? Because the Pepsi corp. has released a new can design with the pledge of allegiance or something on it and at the end it does not say 'Under God'. The email further reads that Pepsi purposely left out the saying because they didn't want to offend anyone. The smart-ass comment at the end of the email says "We hope we don't offend you Pepsi by not buying your soda!" (PS. I'm probably leaving out parts of the email but maybe I will get it and post it on here....) Anyhow, I am totally offended by that ridiculous email! First of all people, THE PEPSI CANS THEMSELVES ARE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE. Second of all, it DOES make sense to leave the phrase Under God out because there are millions of people who do not believe in God and therefore they would totally offend more people if they put the phrase on there! Well, I don't know about that part but still!! Now to clarify, I do believe in God or some form whatsoever - But I am still offended by the sheer stupidity of the idiot who created that email. And I heard from a friend-of-a-friend that God was all like "I love Pepsi that email is dumb."

Everyone should know that at work today I walked into the stall, closed the door, sat down to go numero dos and FELL INTO THE TOILET. It was a struggle just peeling my bubble butt out of the bowl but I made it, and everything came out A-OK! *gives a wink and a thumbs up* I am spreading the rumor around work that the seats should be put down when we finish using the potty because it can be a safety hazard if you aren't paying attention!

I want to give a shout out to Amy, I hope you liked the candles and I hope you are feeling better! Also a shout out to Jay for cleaning the kitchen it was all shiny, thanks!

Have you ever been talking to someone of importance and suddenly you lose all body control? Out of the blue you have an outrageous fart or an eye twitch or something? I was talking to my sup. today and suddenly I lost all balance and simply fell over in his office. It was only funny because I was inches away from hitting my head on his desk when I went down. I picked myself up and smiled, but the disturbing note is that he didn't seem the least bit surprised.

Being a pimp is hard work. I'm all smackin' mah bitches when they get out a line and then adjustin' mah feathered hat and my fur coat...

Pan's and Working on a Sunday

So we finally watched Pan's Labyrinth and it was everything I could have hoped for. The effects were truly amazing and the story was compelling and suspenseful. I recommend it for anyone who likes fantasy movies and who doesn't mind a movie with subtitles.

I had to work today which really did suck. It was unbelievably slow and no one fun was working. There was a few times where I literally put my head down and took little naps for 10 or fifteen moments at a time. Because I became so bored and tired, whenever I got a call I wanted it to be over with so I could go back to resting! Thankfully my handsome boyfriend came and rescued me at the end of the day.

I have tomorrow off, so that's exciting. I'm hoping it is sunny out so I might have the option of going for a nice jog and getting some sun. Who knows what tomorrow will bring! As for tonight, I'm EXTREMELY bored and Jay is enthralled in some sort of video game...

im an idiot

Today was a bad day, I'm sorry if what I said sounded hurtful. You know I love you, I try. I am an idiot. Forgive me. Let me make it up to you. Peace offering: Salad. Thankyou for trying to understand, that's all that matters. I'm loud. I'm sorry.

Something quick

Hey - I won't take up too much of your time, or mine, this will just be a quick post.

A few weeks ago a customer called and was quite upset with his account. He had a large number of overdraft fees and of course I couldn't reverse them. After explaining this to him, he became very arrogant and in a rude tone he said "Well Samuel, I would like you to know that you have made a huge mistake. You should probably be looking for a new job because your manager knows me and I can have whatever I want done to my account. Please have a nice day but I do apologize that this had to happen, I'm sure you are a good employee but your manager will be very upset that you did not help me." He went on and on claiming that he had over 70 thousand wrapped up in accounts with us and that he personally knew the President of our bank.

At one point I told him we could transfer money into the account from one of his ''other'' accounts but of course he said "No, I simply dont have time."

"Then why are you still on the phone with me? My answer wont change."

"I'm trying to inform you that you've made a mistake and you should begin looking for new employment."

I laughed, smiled, and said "Oh, thankyou for being concerned for my job sir - But I'm also busy so, have a nice day." And then I hungup.

The same customer called back today, he was negative again and at one point he even said to me "I called a few weeks ago and spoke with a young man who did not know what he was doing and was very rude - Hopefully you will not make the same mistake because that employee has been fired." I sighed - "No sir, I'm still here... But you sound good, how are things going?" he exclaimed "I dont understand... you aren't the person I spoke to last time!"

"Oh but I AM - And on that note, have a nice day." I hungup.



Okay okay I know, wrap things up... I'm such a blabber typer. Sorry! Anyway, I might post more later (cue the large black woman waving her finger back and forth and saying 'promises, promises..') But I really might! Dont be mean, it could happen!

Oh jeez...

I was reading a headline in the Onion which said: "Many Americans Too Fat to Commit Suicide." The Onion is a satirical newspaper and as I was reading this, waiting for my coffee in Dunn Brothers, I burst out laughing. Well wouldn't ya know it but there is a man standing next to me- And this man... This man was so fat he did not have fingers, they were stubby little nibs! He was so plump I would imagine Santa would say "Damn..." And he was giving me a look that was a mixture of anger and possibly hunger. I just kind of stared back at him for a moment and then my coffee was done so I left. As I was leaving I farted in his direction.

It's quite warm out and Jay won't stop bugging me for us to get an air conditioner, possibly one in our room. I think we should just sleep without clothes, but apparently he likes wearing his. What is wrong with the youth of America today?

I believe I will make some turkey burgers tonight for dinner. Mmm... Burgers...

I may post more later but I have to get back to cleaning. ..... Or playing the video game. Sometimes I have a task, I'm walking to the bedroom or kitchen or the room I need to do it in, and it takes one shiny object to distract me. For instance - I come home from work and need to use the bathroom. I'm heading toward the bathroom but notice I should plug in my iPod so I plug it in, but there's Brownie and he's so cute! I need to let him out, so I let him out and come inside and get out the broom because the house definitely needs to be swept. So I set the broom down before I start to move the rugs out of the way but I need a snack - Mmm, doughnuts, yum! Now I need milk - but we are out of milk, I should get some. putting my shoes on Brownie looks like he needs to go out so I let him out, take off my shoes, and sit on the couch and ready the internet, I should check my mail. And that lead me here. Now, why are my pants off and why is there a large Jewish woman standing in my living room pointing out my failures and making me regret my life choices?!

Panda is fierce - Panda is FABULOUS

Hello! Today was quite a relaxing day - Work was very slow and I did not have one person call me a name or become mad at me for no reason at all. Around my lunch break I got some severe cramps which almost got so bad I went home, but I bought some Pepto Bismol and decided to duke it out at work. Eventually they went away.

I have been receiving some very disturbing emails on my Yahoo! account. Things like "Teens horse donkey f**king midgets" or one of my favorites "Rita shoved objects in p**sy, now what". In case you're wondering: YES that is exactly the titles of two of the emails and YES, I did click on them. I'll admit it, I was curious. . . . . . Not what I expected. In fact, one of the sites brought up a completely different themed site which featured women over 65+ getting it on with various food products, such as Butter and Banana. I giggled, and then threw up a little.

I have told this to my friends and loved ones before but do you know what I think the most awesome thing would be? To win the special Olympics. Because you aren't just special, but you are like the most special - And you even have a little medal to prove it. I have this fantasy of winning for something like wheelchair Tennis, getting onto that high ramp and waving my medal in the air, and just looking down at the little Silver and Bronze participants and giving them a look of disgust. Losers. I would also have one of the awesome windbreaker suits that you always see people wearing during the Olympics and maybe I would attach flags to the back of my chair.

I'm so going to hell for that.

Day One

So Jay and Amy have helped persuade me into creating a blog on this site... Who knows how much I will post since I already have a blog on Myspace but rarely even update there. Anyhow, let's all get together for one big pat-on-the-back and welcome me here.

I went to Target today with the intention of buying toothpaste, but of course was sidetracked by big red signs labeled "$1.00 Section" and "Men's Underwear". But thats just the cheap tramp in me, always looking for a good deal and nice comfortable underwears. On the way to the hygiene area I stopped to get my dog Brownie, (He is also Jay's dog but I'm possessive.... Sometimes needy... I'm thirsty--), anyway I stopped in the snack section where a woman with very angry eyebrows was giving me the strangest looks. It was almost as if I was invading her territory. I imagine that she had a poodle or chihuahua or some sort of ugly little dog, that she would brush every night while watching American Idol or one of those shows. She was also wearing a SWEATER when it was like 85 DEGREES outside - And it was one of those horrid sweaters with the little sequins on it in the shape of a deer or cow or something. AAAGH. Anyway, I grabbed the snacks and left the section but on a side note-

Do you know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? Angry eyebrows! It's people such as Peter Petrelli on the NBC show Heroes, or such as Will Truman on awesome Will & Grace... I also have a few coworkers with the expression and you are always seeing people with them. People who always have this inquisitive look in a mixture of anger and embrassment. It just bothers me, don't know why. Hmm.

I really shouldn't type much more I hate typing anyway. Eventually I will just upload video blogs to avoid all the work.

Wait, that might be more work. Huh.
Well have a splendid night everyone! I promise they won't always be this random or long/annoying.