How Time Flies..

It has been forever since I posted a blog. I won't make excuses, I forgot about this thing. And, the sheer fast-pace of life doesn't help much. .....And I have been on Youtube a lot. .....Okay, So I guess I am making excuses - But I'm here now, and isn't that splendid?

I have been reading my friend Amy's blogs and she is such a beautiful writer. So composed, and her words flow so utterly perfect that if she were writing a book it would be so easy to go from cover-to-cover. Jay is the same way... He can tie words together like no one else. I am jealous of them, but proud of the. I used to be so good with words, but eventually I became so disheveled in my head and now I rely on humor to get me through a conversation/speech/blog. Everyone is different I guess, but I just wanted to mention them - Because they are awesome.

Today I had the corporate 'Keys to Success' training class. 4 hours and 45 minutes of learning, well, the keys to success! They were like 'Attitude, integrity, positivity... and SUCCESS.' Thats right folks - One of the keys to success is Success itself. hmm. who thought of that? I think its weird. There was also a coporate role-play where we got to pick roles and act out ways to handle the situation. In my role I was Steve Larkin, a small sombrero business owner who was struggling financially. I didnt know any of my specific account information so I took to arguing with my helper. It was great.

I'm going to go eat my ramen... this post isn't exciting, but its something.

night :)

Can anyone hear me?

Some people are so obsessed with getting their view across. Some people stop at nothing, with the mindset to be the best. Ugh, in the end - Who cares? Why bother being hateful, negative, or otherwise stupid especially when you have one life to live? Well, the way I see it - If we were all cheerful 24 hours a day life would be extremely boring. Also, when there is an asshole - Suddenly you feel the need to punch the asshole. But his buddy is sitting next to you, so he punches you! But your friend hates this guy's buddy, because he punched you, so they go at it. And so on. I am ranting, can anyone hear me?

Unbelievably bored I am typing. We just got home from Stardust, I'm feeling tired but pumped full of energy and I dont know how to get my words across. I watch Youtube and review my latest comments on my video. I posted a video reply to this guy Chris Crocker's video regarding the age of consent. He talks like he thinks it should be legal for a 14 year old to date an 19 year old. Eew. What would the two find in common anyhow? Either way, I posted a response to his video and people seemed to like what I had to say. Hmm. I guess I just wanted to give my opinion...

Moo.

KITTIES!!!

Don't Trust Whitey!

Today as I turned a corner on my lunch break, carrying a delicious Cousin's sub, I ran straight into a HANDICAP. Now, this woman had to have been in her 70's - Featuring glasses as big as her face and riding around on one of those Wheel A'round motorized cart things.. And how did I know she was handicap? Her transport was decked out with one of those 'handicap' stickers and she seemed a bit.. how do you say, slow?

I ran into her, the cart started to tip. I did what any person would do, I used her to gain my balance which may or may not have meant basically pushing her over. The cart tipped and she made a noise similar to that of an injured seal crying for it's mother, and in an instant I heard the complaints. "Oh, my poor back... oh, my leg hurts... I hope my cart is okay..."

Bitch, please.

I helped her up and straightened out her cart, and everything was fine... as was she, and she could totally walk! Anyhow, she got back on the cart, too lazy to stand while she started asking me for money. "This could have hurt me you know, if you gave me some money for lunch I could forgive you." No, you're fine. "Well do you have ten dollars? I want to get some lunch." No. "Well I like sandwiches, can I have your sandwich?" No, this is my sandwich.

Eventually, she said "I hope you didn't break my cart, I'll find you..." And after telling her the cart was fine, but making a joke about installing some air-bags in that thing (which she didnt find funny) I managed to walk away from the scene of the crime without even leaving an I.D.

SUCKA!!

Yay

These videos just make me happy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpVxsZojPUA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRUtnKs56Cs

The Bridge is Falling Down

You know, when a terrorist attack occurs people ask "How could this happen?" And I used to think that was the dumbest question. Hate, anger, stupidity - That's how it happens. When I seen the bridge on TV I kept thinking to myself "How could this have happened?" It has made me so conflicted, and sad.

I am so thankful my friends and family are alright... A close friend of mine, her sister is still missing. They don't honestly know if she was on the bridge but it is very possible and no one can reach her. I am praying for everyone, and hoping that our city will take care of things like this so they dont happen again.

This is the exact comment I sent Amy, but it is exactly how I feel. I don't know what to think - What else could happen? What other disasters are just waiting to happen? Its dumb to think like that, so cynical and negative - And that isn't me. But right now it's all I can think about! People are mad at the city, people are mad at circumstance, and everyone is defending themselves. Why? The bridge fell the fuck down and suddenly there can be a defense for that?! "Oh, well it passed safety standards.." YEAH? AND? How dare these people make excuses, I know that everyone wants answers and if I had family or friends that were victims I would want answers too. But being an 'outsider' in some ways, I want them to honestly say "At this point it could have been anything." Instead the idiots are on TV and all they can do is make excuses and hope that someone will buy what they are selling. Ugh.

I sound jaded. I sound like an asshole? I just wish that our government would take responsibility for once. Get the God-Damn president down here. (Yes, I can say that because God was all like "you can say my name during your blog" and I was all like "Coo..") Back in the time of the Great Samurai, A general would lead his men into battle and fight alongside them. Even in the time of the indians, the chief would not sit in his tent until the war was over - He would take his bow and lead the fight from a high point, the point being he still DID SOMETHING. Well, what happens now? We have a President who just tells people to kill things, tells them they live in a 'free' country where anything is up for debate except for the fact that women shouldnt be able to make their own decisions and the gays have no right to marry one another, and he plays with shiny objects and CANT READ. I'm sure a kitten would do a better job of running this country and they would be cuter too.

No need to involve the Pres, though. I'm sure I sound so harsh, or dumb, or whatever. Just tired of this shit happening - Terrorist or not, things are getting freaky and no one has an answer as to why.

Losing My Fanbase

I received a harsh email from my friend Amy. Basically tearing apart my acting career and using slander to make my hit 80's show The Leg Warmer appear to be nothing more than a daytime soap! I was heartbroken when I went to the website which was formerly www.legwarmerthe80sshow.com/the80s/hitshow/turtlenecks/boygeorge I noticed they took the page down! How could someone do such a thing! I checked my old fanmail box and nothing. Have I become what I fear? Washed up.

Ugh blah. I feel like crap today, and I'm going to go crazy.

This morning a crazy black woman was yelling obscenities at folks as they passed by. She was bald and was wearing a toga. Come to think of it, maybe it was a guy with boobies. Hmm. Either way, she was shouting things at me - And at least she kicked my ass into gear as I sped away from her and made it into work early. Leave it to the crazies to provide the simple pleasures in life.

Ask Jay, one of my favorite simple pleasures is mint toothpicks. Bringing together two of the worlds greatest inventions - Mint and toothpicks, the mint toothpicks kills bad breath and helps fight those unsightly particles lodged in your yams! Pick yours up today!

Dont forget to check out this week's first video poat, it's an interesting look into Fetishes! Yeah!

Angry green men shooting me with lasers... It's like Prom all over again!

This morning a slightly overweight man decided to hover around me at the bus stop and I swear I thought he was going to shank me! Then he decided to pass directly in front of me - OUTSIDE the sidewalk and into the street, mind you, and say "Good morning." It became evident that he was a rapist when the bus pulled up and he just simply walked away. Also, he had rapist's shoulders I think. You know, those old fashioned wide and foreboding shoulders that just give you the feeling someone near you (maybe even yourself) may be shagged in a forceful manner?

So I have a million things which need to be done but the only thing I want to do is relax. I need to clean this house and do some serious laundry but Lord knows that isn't going to happen. I just get so tired, and then I have to get up and get my own water... Life would be so much easier if I lived in the Oprah house. I would have people fetching my water and brushing my hair by the hour. Well - They wouldn't brush it because I would wear a new weave like every day.... therefore it would not need brushing. As a powerful black woman you must have an amazing weave or you are just frowned upon in society. We socialites know these things.

Ooh I got my hair cut today! It looks nice I think, but the only point in getting it cut is to just get closer to letting my true brown.... ugh snooze boring


Go view my vlogs! AND COMMENT. It;s sad that in my most recent video I practically beg for comments and even after 19 views on the video I had 0 comments. I suppose I'm a washed up celebrity.... After that show I did in the 80's life has never been the same. I often wear the leg-warmers and Boy George-esque sunglasses to reminisce.

Ciao!

From this moment....

I'm so sorry I havent been type-posting very much! I have been so enthralled in making videos that when I would have time to actually post, I end up just posting my videos instead!! I will try not to make this a habit, but when I vent on Youtube I find it harder to vent on here.

I had caesar salad for dinner, and it was really good. I managed to have a little bit left over for lunch tomorrow so that's exciting. Speaking of lunch and being at work, today during lunch I met my twin! He is similar to me, but as you'll hear me say in the video he is no where near as good as the original! haha

I really depsise myspace, despite my best efforts I still log on and see whats shakin'. I dont know why I feel the need to vent in the camera where pretty much no one watches and could care less, but I hate spending time on a website where you can connect with friends and family AND post videos and blogs...... I did once have an addiction to myspace but "like every high it eventually wore off." So now I'm sitting on the couch and Dustin is creepily lounging on the futon and we are sitting in absolute silence... I wont say anything, that would be akward.. Instead I will type my lil heart out!

Last night I had a dream where this weird scorpion type bug with wings got in our bedroom and trip to sting and bite me! I actually woke up at one point and looked around the room to confirm I was dreaming! (at about 5:30 in the morning, luckily I'm up at 6 am anyway so I didnt mind too much - I'm just glad it wasn't real!)

Again, sorry for the sparse postings but I will do my best and please feel free to go to youtube and check out our videos!

We have returned!

So, I'm back. The trip was fun - And I'm going to put my Youtube post on here so that I dont really have to type a huge story... Bascially it was hot, we visited a lot of places (i.e. swamp, cemetery) and ate great fooood....

I worked sunday and monday, today was my day off but it will be over soon and it's back to work tomorrow. If you havent been over to our Youtube page please go on over and check it out www.youtube.com (username Uptown916) and give us 5 stars on all of our movies! the better ratings you have, the more people watch your movies, and so on. I will occasionally post lil videos and even though Jay never watches them, or even goes to youtube to handle our account, I am on there frequently!

Not much else to say today - but check out those videos...

woo-hoo par-tay ! ! !

Tomorrow can't come soon enough, and within the blink of an eye the trip will be over and I'll be sitting here reminiscing about it and telling everyone the messy details. We are supposed to leave tomorrow after I get off work, assuming everything goes well it is promising to be a great time.

Today has been fairly boring. I have a number of tasks I need to accomplish but rather I have been playing video games and surfing the web. Even now as I think to myself 'I should go do the dishes' I'm also thinking I would rather play some video games. I feel like such a potato! (as in couch potato)

Jay is at work, so there is no one but Dustin to bother and he's busy watching shows in his room and typing a paper.

Well I really don't have much else to say. Work is going well, same old same old. We dont have anything planned for today, and just like last year more than likely I wont end up seeing the fireworks. I liked that my family would do that, see the fireworks each year. But as I've gotten older it really isn't anything special to me. When I have kids I'm going to be the dad who takes them to the beach and we grill all day and hang out, and then watch the fireworks and head home. I will make it a bigger deal when little people are involved. :)

Along with this blog I am going to post a recent Youtube video posting, created by me. Its a little long, 8 minutes or something but if you are bored it gets fun near the end! I am a rambler so I can go on and on...

Tanning, Cooking, and my Sore Ass

Hello! So I woke up this morning with sore asscheeks. I think I have been jogging to much and my ass is getting tighter, it does feel quite firm. Anyhow, it sucked because I was running late for work so my ass felt tired on the bus and once I got off I had to practically jog to work! Ugh, when will I learn? Too much time fixing my damn hair. White people are crazy...

So I was in the break room today just sipping on some cola when this random girl started talking to me. Asking me how long I had worked there, what I did for fun, she eventually said "So like, where do you go tanning?" I told her I normally go to Planet Beach but I havent been there for a few weeks. Then she goes "Well your skin looks good." Uh, what? First of all let me just say this was either a pity comment or a comment because she likes me. Yes, I retain the sun pretty good so I am in no way pale but I am NOT by any means 'tan' right now... least I dont think so. Second of all, she says this to the guy with ACNE. I'll be honest I know my face isnt turrible but I've had a shady facial complexion since I was a young lad so it is nothing new to me. Anyway, I said thankyou, got my things together and got the hell out of there.

I dont feel like cooking tonight. I wish that my roommates would cook more, however, as much as I complain about having to make dinner it is like built into my system to feed the family. I want Dustin to cook, but if he goes to I say 'no let me do it'... I'm very specific about how meals are prepared! I also use some of my mom's old tricks and I like that because it always keeps her memory alive.

I'm bored. I think I will attempt cleaning our room tonight. Perhaps I will end up watching Project Runway. "Andre, what happened to Andre?" Ugh, dont start with me...

Dr. Phil has a foreboding moustache

Today a bank was robbed in Michigan. Of course we had a million calls from people "The bank is closed, there are cops around it what happened?" But we aren't authorized to really say 'they were robbed' so we had to just say "Unfortunately we cannot disclose what may have happened at this time." It actually made work more enjoyable because I was getting into it with every customer who asked that question. They would say in a angry voice "Thats my money what the hell do you mean you can't tell me what happened?!" "I do apologize under our regulations unfortun---" "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR F*CKING REGULATIONS TELL ME WHAT---" "Thankyou for calling us and have a nice day." *click* (hangup)

I got an email at random from someone informing me the whole Pepsi thing is a scam. Whoever you are kind stranger, thankyou! :)

I was bored at work today, waiting for the phone to ring, reading a magazine... Just singing that song "What a Fool Believes" (it has been in my head for weeks now) And suddenly I realized I was rubbing my nipple! Through my shirt of course but what had actually happened was I was itching my chest and then got distracted and the itching turned into rubbing and then sort of a soft caressing... I realized I was doing it, and then I sat up and looked around to see if anyone noticed me performing an act of pleasure on my nipple. No one had. Thank God. I felt so weirded out by it I put my hands on the desk and just sat there another moment waiting for the phone to ring. I leaned over to my friend and coworker Adrian and said "Did you know just a moment ago I was rubbing my nipple at random?" She was laughing unbelievably hard and as my phone picked up she choked out, among laughter - "You were rubbing your nipple?!" The customer said "...what...?" And I ignored what they might have heard and proceeded with the call.

I bought a loofah. It might make me girly but it feels very nice on my skin. I would also like a genuine coral sponge, not a store bought but a genuine one from the oceans.

Jay will watch Grudge 2 with me tonight and I'm rather excited, I like it when he curls into me and is scared because it makes me happy to know I help him feel safe. I think that feeling of safety is important in a relationship. I'm gonna go now, just thought I would ramble. Dont forget to watch my videos below! They are hilarious to me, let me know what you think!

Funny Videos

"You come back." exclaimed the chinese waiter

Hello! Well I told you I wouldn't post daily, so here I am a few days in and we have so much to cover.

First of all, I received an email which reads "Don't drink from the new Pepsi can." The reason? Because the Pepsi corp. has released a new can design with the pledge of allegiance or something on it and at the end it does not say 'Under God'. The email further reads that Pepsi purposely left out the saying because they didn't want to offend anyone. The smart-ass comment at the end of the email says "We hope we don't offend you Pepsi by not buying your soda!" (PS. I'm probably leaving out parts of the email but maybe I will get it and post it on here....) Anyhow, I am totally offended by that ridiculous email! First of all people, THE PEPSI CANS THEMSELVES ARE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE. Second of all, it DOES make sense to leave the phrase Under God out because there are millions of people who do not believe in God and therefore they would totally offend more people if they put the phrase on there! Well, I don't know about that part but still!! Now to clarify, I do believe in God or some form whatsoever - But I am still offended by the sheer stupidity of the idiot who created that email. And I heard from a friend-of-a-friend that God was all like "I love Pepsi that email is dumb."

Everyone should know that at work today I walked into the stall, closed the door, sat down to go numero dos and FELL INTO THE TOILET. It was a struggle just peeling my bubble butt out of the bowl but I made it, and everything came out A-OK! *gives a wink and a thumbs up* I am spreading the rumor around work that the seats should be put down when we finish using the potty because it can be a safety hazard if you aren't paying attention!

I want to give a shout out to Amy, I hope you liked the candles and I hope you are feeling better! Also a shout out to Jay for cleaning the kitchen it was all shiny, thanks!

Have you ever been talking to someone of importance and suddenly you lose all body control? Out of the blue you have an outrageous fart or an eye twitch or something? I was talking to my sup. today and suddenly I lost all balance and simply fell over in his office. It was only funny because I was inches away from hitting my head on his desk when I went down. I picked myself up and smiled, but the disturbing note is that he didn't seem the least bit surprised.

Being a pimp is hard work. I'm all smackin' mah bitches when they get out a line and then adjustin' mah feathered hat and my fur coat...

Pan's and Working on a Sunday

So we finally watched Pan's Labyrinth and it was everything I could have hoped for. The effects were truly amazing and the story was compelling and suspenseful. I recommend it for anyone who likes fantasy movies and who doesn't mind a movie with subtitles.

I had to work today which really did suck. It was unbelievably slow and no one fun was working. There was a few times where I literally put my head down and took little naps for 10 or fifteen moments at a time. Because I became so bored and tired, whenever I got a call I wanted it to be over with so I could go back to resting! Thankfully my handsome boyfriend came and rescued me at the end of the day.

I have tomorrow off, so that's exciting. I'm hoping it is sunny out so I might have the option of going for a nice jog and getting some sun. Who knows what tomorrow will bring! As for tonight, I'm EXTREMELY bored and Jay is enthralled in some sort of video game...

im an idiot

Today was a bad day, I'm sorry if what I said sounded hurtful. You know I love you, I try. I am an idiot. Forgive me. Let me make it up to you. Peace offering: Salad. Thankyou for trying to understand, that's all that matters. I'm loud. I'm sorry.

Something quick

Hey - I won't take up too much of your time, or mine, this will just be a quick post.

A few weeks ago a customer called and was quite upset with his account. He had a large number of overdraft fees and of course I couldn't reverse them. After explaining this to him, he became very arrogant and in a rude tone he said "Well Samuel, I would like you to know that you have made a huge mistake. You should probably be looking for a new job because your manager knows me and I can have whatever I want done to my account. Please have a nice day but I do apologize that this had to happen, I'm sure you are a good employee but your manager will be very upset that you did not help me." He went on and on claiming that he had over 70 thousand wrapped up in accounts with us and that he personally knew the President of our bank.

At one point I told him we could transfer money into the account from one of his ''other'' accounts but of course he said "No, I simply dont have time."

"Then why are you still on the phone with me? My answer wont change."

"I'm trying to inform you that you've made a mistake and you should begin looking for new employment."

I laughed, smiled, and said "Oh, thankyou for being concerned for my job sir - But I'm also busy so, have a nice day." And then I hungup.

The same customer called back today, he was negative again and at one point he even said to me "I called a few weeks ago and spoke with a young man who did not know what he was doing and was very rude - Hopefully you will not make the same mistake because that employee has been fired." I sighed - "No sir, I'm still here... But you sound good, how are things going?" he exclaimed "I dont understand... you aren't the person I spoke to last time!"

"Oh but I AM - And on that note, have a nice day." I hungup.



Okay okay I know, wrap things up... I'm such a blabber typer. Sorry! Anyway, I might post more later (cue the large black woman waving her finger back and forth and saying 'promises, promises..') But I really might! Dont be mean, it could happen!

Oh jeez...

I was reading a headline in the Onion which said: "Many Americans Too Fat to Commit Suicide." The Onion is a satirical newspaper and as I was reading this, waiting for my coffee in Dunn Brothers, I burst out laughing. Well wouldn't ya know it but there is a man standing next to me- And this man... This man was so fat he did not have fingers, they were stubby little nibs! He was so plump I would imagine Santa would say "Damn..." And he was giving me a look that was a mixture of anger and possibly hunger. I just kind of stared back at him for a moment and then my coffee was done so I left. As I was leaving I farted in his direction.

It's quite warm out and Jay won't stop bugging me for us to get an air conditioner, possibly one in our room. I think we should just sleep without clothes, but apparently he likes wearing his. What is wrong with the youth of America today?

I believe I will make some turkey burgers tonight for dinner. Mmm... Burgers...

I may post more later but I have to get back to cleaning. ..... Or playing the video game. Sometimes I have a task, I'm walking to the bedroom or kitchen or the room I need to do it in, and it takes one shiny object to distract me. For instance - I come home from work and need to use the bathroom. I'm heading toward the bathroom but notice I should plug in my iPod so I plug it in, but there's Brownie and he's so cute! I need to let him out, so I let him out and come inside and get out the broom because the house definitely needs to be swept. So I set the broom down before I start to move the rugs out of the way but I need a snack - Mmm, doughnuts, yum! Now I need milk - but we are out of milk, I should get some. putting my shoes on Brownie looks like he needs to go out so I let him out, take off my shoes, and sit on the couch and ready the internet, I should check my mail. And that lead me here. Now, why are my pants off and why is there a large Jewish woman standing in my living room pointing out my failures and making me regret my life choices?!

Panda is fierce - Panda is FABULOUS

Hello! Today was quite a relaxing day - Work was very slow and I did not have one person call me a name or become mad at me for no reason at all. Around my lunch break I got some severe cramps which almost got so bad I went home, but I bought some Pepto Bismol and decided to duke it out at work. Eventually they went away.

I have been receiving some very disturbing emails on my Yahoo! account. Things like "Teens horse donkey f**king midgets" or one of my favorites "Rita shoved objects in p**sy, now what". In case you're wondering: YES that is exactly the titles of two of the emails and YES, I did click on them. I'll admit it, I was curious. . . . . . Not what I expected. In fact, one of the sites brought up a completely different themed site which featured women over 65+ getting it on with various food products, such as Butter and Banana. I giggled, and then threw up a little.

I have told this to my friends and loved ones before but do you know what I think the most awesome thing would be? To win the special Olympics. Because you aren't just special, but you are like the most special - And you even have a little medal to prove it. I have this fantasy of winning for something like wheelchair Tennis, getting onto that high ramp and waving my medal in the air, and just looking down at the little Silver and Bronze participants and giving them a look of disgust. Losers. I would also have one of the awesome windbreaker suits that you always see people wearing during the Olympics and maybe I would attach flags to the back of my chair.

I'm so going to hell for that.

Day One

So Jay and Amy have helped persuade me into creating a blog on this site... Who knows how much I will post since I already have a blog on Myspace but rarely even update there. Anyhow, let's all get together for one big pat-on-the-back and welcome me here.

I went to Target today with the intention of buying toothpaste, but of course was sidetracked by big red signs labeled "$1.00 Section" and "Men's Underwear". But thats just the cheap tramp in me, always looking for a good deal and nice comfortable underwears. On the way to the hygiene area I stopped to get my dog Brownie, (He is also Jay's dog but I'm possessive.... Sometimes needy... I'm thirsty--), anyway I stopped in the snack section where a woman with very angry eyebrows was giving me the strangest looks. It was almost as if I was invading her territory. I imagine that she had a poodle or chihuahua or some sort of ugly little dog, that she would brush every night while watching American Idol or one of those shows. She was also wearing a SWEATER when it was like 85 DEGREES outside - And it was one of those horrid sweaters with the little sequins on it in the shape of a deer or cow or something. AAAGH. Anyway, I grabbed the snacks and left the section but on a side note-

Do you know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? Angry eyebrows! It's people such as Peter Petrelli on the NBC show Heroes, or such as Will Truman on awesome Will & Grace... I also have a few coworkers with the expression and you are always seeing people with them. People who always have this inquisitive look in a mixture of anger and embrassment. It just bothers me, don't know why. Hmm.

I really shouldn't type much more I hate typing anyway. Eventually I will just upload video blogs to avoid all the work.

Wait, that might be more work. Huh.
Well have a splendid night everyone! I promise they won't always be this random or long/annoying.